Case Battle Part 2: The Rebuttal
The Rebuttal to the Ad – Scotts’ defensive stance that almost stumps the experts. The Scoop digs deeply for the translation.
Please refer to the evidence: the before and after ads (April 25th & September 5th, 2009) and the posting of the case on the Advertising Council of Canada website.
The Scoop took Scotts’ rebuttal and meticulously scrutinized it down to the pixel level with the help of a panel of leading researchers in psychology and linguistics. Our goal was to decipher the true meaning behind the document. The panel concluded that “there is no depth – what you see is what you get – essentially, a two-dimensional paper.” So, The Scoop has decided that you should be privy to the details that have been unearthed in the quest for the true meaning. Please be warned that some of the material is not for the faint-of-heart.
According to the Scoop, this is what Scotts Canada really said in its rebuttal. A word-for-word translation:
“We want you to use our product with impunity on anything that looks ‘weedy’. Buy, buy, buy!!! Keep us in business, because we are suffering due to the new bylaws in effect in Ontario. We and our allies are going to sue the collective butt of the Government of Ontario for taking this stance, after we have finished with those Quebecoise butts. We are not going to give up without a fight. You will have to pry our herbicidal canisters from our cold, dead hands.
“We don’t make mistakes. We are not the ones at fault. We are only the messenger delivering a warning. What’s behind it all is a ‘Weed Conspiracy’. We offer the following proof, documentaries that illustrate the true nature of plants: Reefer Madness (concerning the other demon weed), Day of the Triffids, Little Shop of Horrors, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, War of The Roses, The Grapes of Wrath, and Driving Miss Daisy (ironweed proof that asters want to enslave us as their personal servants…wait…did I say ironweed?! NO! I meant to say iron-clad! SEE…see how they have infiltrated our language, forcing us to use their plantspeak?! Where will it all end?!). Maybe it will end with the most devastating scenario: War of The Worlds which had an original title of War of The Weeds (first a radio play and then a movie). The characters and title were changed because it was too horrific for the public to contemplate at the time.
“Remember – WE are the experts! We are trying to save the world from itself. Could you imagine if weeds took over? There would be a major infestation of bees and butterflies. And then you would have to spray pesticides, too (hey…not a bad idea…). You must protect yourself, your family and your property. Don’t trust any of them. Be safe, rather than sorry! Blast them all! Don’t worry about your neighbours or the environment. They’re how you say in war terms, collateral damage. And let us not mince words here – we ARE at war with weeds! It’s time we took the offensive. We are doing the public a service by warning everyone of the scourge of weeds. Weeds cannot be trusted. They corrupt; they invade. They are shape-shifters. It is difficult to tell one from another, even for the experts such as the professionals at Scotts. We actually had to look up what family these wretched plants were in as we are not experts. All asters, being in the same family, look identical at any stage, and you don’t have a hope in hell of identifying them without our life-saving public service announcements such as the ad in the Toronto Star. You should be grateful that we are so altruistic. Consider us for a Nobel Prize in something. If you disagree with anything, then …***”
The Scoop took liberty in translating this last piece, below. Since we are sensitive to the sensibilities of our botanically-bent Readers and given that deciduous plants are very loose with their ‘clothing’ at this time of year, we have altered the wording slightly. The Scoop felt the original ending to the transcript was very contentious with lots of very naughty words. These words, if spoken by a child, would cause a parent to grab for a bar of soapwort (Sapindus or Vaccaria sp.). The words were so profane, that if spoken aloud outdoors, would have caused even a mature American beech to prematurely dump a load …of leaves (and you know how bashful those Fagaceans are). We have kept Scotts’ wording in plant terms, but here is the toned-down version:
“***you can all stick it in your pipevine (Aristolochia macrophylla) and prairie smoke (Geum triflorum) it!”
It’s shocking, but true! There you have it, good Readers. We warned you.
Root note: The Scoop is proud to be semi-fluent in plantspeak and recognizes the good in all native plants (remind us about this next time we contact poison ivy and develop weepy blisters). We also fully endorse the role of us as subservient to plants. Resistance is futile…
(from The Local Scoop October 2009)